How to be a successful health-food blogger in 13 straightforward steps:

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Step one: acquire one but preferably two appealing children (one of each gender is best). That, or an attractive man-friend (man-bunned hipster is preferred) or cute furry creature or both.

Step two: dress children and/or boo-thang in trendy attire.

Step three: promote over-priced actually-high-in-calorie-regardless-of-health-factor raw “bounty” bar/“Nutella” spread/ “caramel” “cheesecake” through them.

Step four: assemble cooked (or in this case, uncooked) food in a creative fashion: alongside inspirational typography, fresh flowers, loose ingredients (scattered nuts are popular), macbook, engraved spoons, patterned cloths, charming children and or shirtless and smiling (both important) man-thang.

Step five: capture food using expensive high-tech photography gadget

Step six: zoom in.

Step seven: put a filter on it

Step eight: add a pinch or two of common every-day middle-eastern ingredients to blatantly Western dishes to fancify them: saffron CHEESECAKE, turmeric ENGLISH MUFFINS. Pistachio SOUFFLE, pomegranate PORRIDGE etc.

Step nine: appropriate Asia while you’re at it: sushi, matcha, tofu and black rice are currently on trend.

Step ten: occasionally dine out at hipster restaurant and photograph your symmetrically placed order making sure your raybans are in frame.

Step eleven: frequent farmers’ markets making sure to capture the morning light as it gently caresses the purple carrots.

Step twelve: do yoga.

Step thirteen: last but not least, travel far and distant. For it is not the vegan cannellini bean stuffed sweet-potato in your kitchen but the vegan cannellini bean stuffed sweet-potato on a bamboo raft in the now-not-so-authentic tropical forests of Phuket that guarantees followers.

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